Weird Cracked Actor headcanons.

Disclaimer: These headcanons are for fun and originate only from the demented mind of yours truly. They bare no real significance to the life of David Bowie himself, unless of coarse he would say otherwise. None of these characters are owned by me.


1. When any of the personae need to relieve some stress, Dory allows them to play around with his hair. It is a surprisingly therapeutic activity.

2. Dory frequently brings coffee or meals to Julian while he is locked in the attic. Julian always takes them out of politeness, though unbeknownst to Dory a mouthful of any beverage will make him vomit.

3. Serious Moonlight has terrible OCD. Before he can do anything else in the morning he has to scrub the shower tiles and the sink, bleach the toilet, hoover the entire house, tidy the kitchen and do any laundry or washing up that's laying around. David once had to pay to repair a window when a sleep deprived Sir Roland threw the hoover through it a 7:30am. The reason that the personae have so much free time on their hands is because Serious does all of the house work.  

4. If anyone dare mix up the spice bottles in the spice rack, Serious will kick thier sorry arse to china and back. Seriously, no one dare even jostle that spice rack when Serious is around.

5. Duke has dishabiliophobia.

6. Ziggy and Duke truly want to start some sort of relationship, but they know they cannot. Neither one can find it in them to forgive each other for the emotionally damaging impact they made on each other's lives. Ziggy cannot forgive Duke for replacing him, therefore ripping away his happiness, and Duke cannot forgive Ziggy for making him the miserable introvert he is to this day. They both know it would be unwise to enter into a relationship that still holds so much unforgiven. Thus, they remain bitter frenemies with the occasional hint of attraction.

7. Dory is a brilliant psychologist.

8. Major Tom and Pierrot are the closest companions in the house. They are all but joined at the hip.

9. One Halloween, Ziggy dressed as a Japanese Lolita, fluffy umbrella, neko ears and all, and sang Miku Hatsune's 'World is mine' word perfect.

10.  Glass spider is actually able to weave webs, this drives Serious crazy as the two share a room.

11. During the summer, dory dresses as a Rossetti style woman, complete with a circlet of flowers on his head.

12. Once, when Jareth was in a particularly sad mood, he stopped Lodger dead in his tracks and asked him for a hug. They swore never to speak of it again under pain of bog.

13. Duke rarely sleeps, but when he does he sleeps so deeply it's almost as if he is in a coma. There is no way of telling how long it will last.

14. Lodger eats like a pregnant woman.

15. Nathan Adler always offers Dory his trench coat during the cold months because he thinks he looks adorable in it. It doesn't fit him at all.

16. Dory has told promised Julian that he can use his body for artistic purposes if ever he should die.

17. When their behaviour starts to get on top of him, David forces the personae to bond with each other by sitting in a long line and combing the hair of the one in front of them.

18. Whenever one of the personae misbehave in the car, David will make them get out and do twenty press ups on the pavement.    

19. Nasty Jack Sikora has a real soft spot for Ziggy and lets him play around with his guns and sit on his lap when ever he visits.  Everyone else finds their flirtation creepy.

20. To some personae, Tommy means so little that they frequently attempt to hang things on him, believing him to be a hat stand.

21.  Major Tom leaves post-it notes around the house whenever he's away, with cheery messages and cartoons to keep Pierrot happy.

22. Once, when the family was economising, David brought value orange juice as opposed to organic. After almost everyone in the house took almost twenty eight hours to recover from what seemed to be some sort of hallucinogenic trip, David never economised again.

23. When everyone was crammed into a single chalet on a particularly disappointing holiday, Spider spent the night on the ceiling to conserve space.

24. The entire family accidentally crashed one of Jareth's masked balls, after eating a peach mousse made from peaches he had hoped Sarah would take a nibble of on a visit. Sarah was the only one who was too full to eat the mousse.

25. Each persona arrived at said ball in a style specific dress.

26. The Diamond dog sleeps in the bed with Halloween Jack.

27. Jareth, Tommy and John Blaylock have all been burdened with the cruel title of 'The failed relationships trio'.

28. Two of the dresses that Lodger wore in the 'Boys keep swingin'' video were borrowed from other personea. The floral one was Dory's and the Pink one was Ziggy's.

29. Ziggy has learned to apply makeup expertly without a mirror. Since the 3rd of July 1973, he has had Eisoptrophobia.



30. Each persona has a specific sexuality:

Major Tom: Heterosexual

Ziggy: Pansexual

Serious: Heterosexual

Screamin' Lord Byron: Demisexual
Tommy: Demisexual/aromantic

Julian Priest: Heterosexual/aromantic

Pierrot: Asexual

Hunky Dory: Asexual/biromantic

Lodger: Heterosexual

Jareth: Sarahsexual/Sarahromantic

Sir Roland: Asexual/aromantic

Nathan Adler: Bisexual

Thin White Duke: Heterosexual/Ziggyromantic

Glass Spider: Bisexual

Halloween Jack: Pansexual


31. Some of the personae are fluent in more than one language:

Ziggy: Martian, English, Japanese, French, Anthean

Tommy: Anthean, English, Latin, Greek, Martian

Dory: English, French, Greek, Arabic, old English, middle English.

Duke: English, French, German, Latin, Arabic.

Pierrot: English, Martian.

Serious: English, Chinese, Japanese, French.

Lodger: English, German.


32.  Comfort/stress relief:

Major Tom: Cigarettes, Scotch, Pierrot.

Ziggy: Manicures, bubble baths, Watapachi (a type of japanese candy), old kimonos, his own music, cuddles from Dory.

Dory: Naps, naps under Nathan's coat, Earl grey tea, Hair braiding, BBC Pride and Prejudice with malteasers, hugs from Ziggy.

Serious: Chinese poetry, orange ice pops, the smell of cleaning fluid, an ordered spice rack, watching Spider play cats cradle with webs.

Julian Priest: Dissection, finishing projects, Visits from Dory, planning the work of art he'll create out of Dory.

Tommy: Gin, Duvet cocoons, Television, reminiscing about Anthea and his wife.

Pierrot: Major Tom, empty rooms.

Lodger: Laying in the centre of the motorway.

Jareth: Sarah, mirrors.

Nathan Adler: Tinkering with guns, office block roofs, braiding Dory's hair.

Thin White Duke: He is never comforted, he cannot relax unless he is sleeping.